Okay, discussing personal finances with your partner isn’t exactly the sexiest activity in the world, but it does happen to be one of the most important things to do, especially before you get married—and we can’t stress enough the phrase “before you get married.”
Nicole Mayer, AIF, CDFA, RFC and Partner at RPG-Life Transition Specialists, says, “Money is the number one factor in relationship dysfunction. If you want to ensure a happy marriage, you have to make sure both of your finances are in order.” Getting yourselves on the same page financially, and nurturing an open, symbiotic dialogue about money, will benefit your marriage—not just at the start, but for the rest of your lives. Along with discussing topics like your and your partner’s debt and credit scores, Mayer encourages all couples to ask each other these five questions before getting married.
1. How much can we each spend before we have to alert each other?
It’s more common than you think for couples to withhold financial information and spending from one another, but habits like that will inevitably lead to tension and mistrust between spouses. Don’t let yourself fall into this trap. “Even if you’re each working and have your own separate bank accounts, it’s a good idea to make sure you make a rule when it comes to big purchases,” Mayer says.
2. How will we handle the costs of children?
This is a biggie that requires more than simply skimming the surface. Having and raising children is life altering and expensive. “[Answering this question] doesn’t just mean talking about childcare and extended paternity leave, but also about potential costs like IVF (In Vitro Fertilization),” Mayer says. You might also want to consider delving into the possibility of adoption costs, if you want to pursue that path. It’s a difficult subject to broach, but one you should discuss before tying the knot nonetheless, since it could highly impact your relationship and finances.
3. Would you consider returning to school?
“If your partner has yet to satisfy their career goals, they might be hoping to return to school, which could mean a significant financial burden for you,” Mayer says. “In some extreme cases, partners end up divorced after years of working to support their collegiate partner.” To ensure your marriage stays free of money-related resentment, ask your partner their academic plans. Then ask yourself if you’d be comfortable essentially being the lead earner while your spouse finishes business school or gets their PhD in physics.
4. What will our policy be about lending money to loved ones?
Life is unpredictable, and there could be times when you’ll need to sacrifice your savings for family members in need. Mayer says to ask yourself: “If my partner loaned their brother $500, would that be a big deal? What if my partner’s mother becomes ill and needs thousands of dollars in medical care?” Talk to each other about how you’d approach these situations as a team.
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5. When do you want to retire?
“Don’t just ask when your partner wants to retire, but also in what style,” Mayer says. “Do they want to travel, buy a fishing boat or move to a warm climate? If so, what steps have they taken to make that goal a reality?” At this point in your relationship, when you haven’t even said your vows, this all might sound way too far in the distance to think about. But if you don’t plan for the future sooner rather than later (and as a family), you’ll be sorry down the line.
Want more “money talk” advice? Get it right here.
Read about five conversations to have before you get married here.
