Oh, the irony: No matter how many hours you spend scrutinizing and finalizing your guest list, there’s always a chance someone (or someones) will show up to your wedding unexpectedly. Here’s how to deal with uninvited guests before and during the event.
Strangers
The term “wedding crashers” might conjure up images of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. Those kinds are more common at open, public venues like hotels, restaurants and places with lots of other events happening at once (where anyone can get through the front door). If the wedding is big enough, it might even be more difficult to spot these kinds of crashers than you might think. Also, if you’ve invited people who you’ve never actually seen before, like your parents’ accountant or your mother-in-law’s cousins you’ve never met, you’ll see unfamiliar faces in the crowd. Don’t be shy about asking people who they are when you do the rounds. A simple “I don’t think we’ve met before” will definitely do the trick.
Plan Ahead: There isn’t much you can do to prevent strangers from wandering in, other than designating an eagle-eyed friend, bridesmaid or relative to keep an eye out in advance. Unfortunately, it’s just too easy for people to enter a reception room attached to a public place. (And you don’t want to station someone at the door with a list—it’s a wedding celebration, not a nightclub.)
How to Deal: Designate said point person to watch out for people standing too close to the bar or buffet table. If a couple is more interested in the food or drinks than anyone else, they probably don’t belong—they’ll usually stick out because they’re dressed incorrectly or don’t seem like part of the environment. But don’t immediately go into freak-out mode if you see an unfamiliar face. Only if someone is unrecognizable to you and your new spouse should you go ahead and check with your parents, who very well may know who the guest in question is, even if you don’t. If neither set of parents has any clue who the person is, ask the planner or venue manager to discreetly approach the unidentifiable guests and then see them to the door.
Plus-Ones
If the words “and guest” don’t appear anywhere on the invitation’s outer envelope, your cousin’s boyfriend of the week shouldn’t appear at your wedding. But some guests don’t know any better—or don’t care.
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Plan Ahead: Many wedding planners tend to discourage their clients from writing “and guest” on the RSVP card in favor of an actual name. Can’t remember your uncle’s second wife’s name? Find out. For single guests who may assume it’s okay to bring a date, explain your budget or space constraints. Always double-check RSVPs so you can call if someone adds an uninvited guest; most times, they’ll just be apologetic about having misunderstood. Be fair to everyone by establishing a rule in advance that plus-one privileges are reserved for people who are in your wedding party, living together, engaged or married. Refer to this guideline later if anyone calls it into question.
How to Deal: If someone shows up unexpectedly, you can figure out a way to make sure they have a seat at the table and accommodate them the best you can (but you definitely don’t have to bend over backwards for them). While most planners won’t scramble to write a place card, it may be possible to work with the venue to put out an extra chair. Of course, if seating arrangements are right, the surprise guest may have to sit far from his date (but that’s their problem, not yours).
Children
Whether it’s your best friend’s new baby, your little cousin or your future sister-in-law’s baby (that means it’s your niece or nephew now, so be nice!) children have, well, a certain impact on a wedding. A big family wedding can mean as many as 40 kids running around, which can turn an elegant ballroom into one with screaming children and Cheerio crumbs.
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Plan Ahead: Decide if any children will be allowed to come to the wedding and then spread the word to your guests with your save-the-date cards or wedding website. All you need is one line: “The reception will be an adults-only affair.” Address save-the-dates only to the people you know for sure will be invited to the event. Sometimes a save-the-date is addressed to the family, but then the invite only has the names of the parents. By that time, however, expectations have been set and plans have been made. And while you know that the invitation’s outer envelope specifies exactly who’s invited, most people are simply not aware of the proper etiquette here and will use the save-the-date addressees as the list of people who are invited to the main event.
How to Deal: If children show up at the wedding, do your best to accommodate them without disrupting the event. Before the ceremony, have your wedding coordinator or a diplomatic friend say something to the parents like, “Could you please move to the back of the church if your child begins to fuss?” That will get a much better response than if someone asked them to leave the venue altogether. Then bust out extra high chairs at the reception. Whatever you do, don’t make a scene. Not only will you seem like ungracious newlyweds, it’s also a needless stress you don’t want to put upon yourself or your other guests. And if someone asks why so-and-so’s kid is there, you can explain that despite your no-children request, she wasn’t able to get a sitter in time and brought her child to the wedding without your consent.
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Vendors
Unfortunately, some of the vendors who you’ve hired may not act professionally (but you can find some of the best reviewed ones here). Maybe your band thought it was totally fine to show up early to go to the cocktail hour and enjoy the food and drinks while they set up. And a 12-piece band can make a serious dent in the sushi platters, and that could turn out to be a real problem considering there’s usually a limited number of hors d’oeuvres for each guest.
Plan Ahead: Put everything in writing. Don’t assume vendors automatically know what they’re entitled to, even if you know they’ve done tons of weddings. You need to make it clear you’ll provide a hot meal for dinner and nonalcoholic beverages during the night. If you’re concerned about particular vendors, add to their contract that they’re not allowed to consume alcohol at any point.
How to Deal: Before your photographer reaches for a second glass of wine, your planner or a bridesmaid should whisper that the cocktail hour is for the guests. Your planner will have no problem doing this. As for your bridesmaid, just appoint the one who’s the most outspoken. Another option is to split the duties—have one of your bridesmaids keep an eye on the band and another on the photographer. This might even be an instance where a pushy mother-in-law is just what you need to help out. You just won’t have the time to watch and confront the vendor and still enjoy the wedding.
