We know this scenario all too well: You finally sit down with your partner to make your guest list (which you should definitely do before you start looking at venues), and after you’ve unearthed every last relative, friend and family friend you want to invite—and also added both of your parents’ guest list requests—your guest count may look more like 250 people instead of the intimate 100-person wedding you envisioned. Where did we go wrong?, you wonder as you hurriedly scroll through the list. And then you see the problem—your partner and future in-laws have way more people on the list than you, whether they have more family members or close friend groups, or both.
Before you start saying your partner simply needs to minimize their half of the list and that’s that, take into account that their choices may reflect people they couldn’t imagine not being at the wedding who are extremely important to them. Stay calm and work through the issue together with these six steps.
1. Consider any financial stipulations.
First, let’s discuss money. It’s not a stress-free topic when planning a wedding, but if one side is funding all or most of the wedding, they usually get final say when it comes to who makes the cut since they’re footing the bill. That said, if both sets of parents (and you and your partner) are all contributing financially, you should be clear about your expectations before you accept help from anyone. Even if you’re paying for the wedding solely by yourselves, it’s a good idea to get the families together and talk about the guest list so there are no surprises. Once you’ve started putting down deposits with someone else’s money, you’re in a bind, whereas before you start spending, you can still negotiate or choose to decline. In a situation where everyone is chipping in, the couple traditionally gets half of the guest list and each set of parents gets a quarter of the guest list. So if you’re planning to invite 200 people, you’d get 100 guests, your parents would get 50 and your partner’s parents would also get 50. The most drama-free approach is to split the list evenly three ways. But if that’s not possible, let us guide you to the next point…
2. Find out where you can fairly trim the list.
This is the obvious next step, but there’s a way to be strategic about it to minimize any hurt feelings. It should be done with just your partner at first, without bringing in your parents just yet. Try to balance your list with a reasonable parallel. Say, if your partner has 100 guests and you have 50, see if they can get their number down to 75. If you can both agree that your partner’s mother’s book club members and father’s first cousins can be taken off the list, have your parter talk to their family separately so they can explain your collective reasoning. And remember—just because your list is smaller doesn’t mean you can’t cut anyone either. Try to be as fair as possible.
3. See if you can cut any plus-ones.
There are certain types of guests who absolutely need and deserve plus-ones. Our hard-and-fast list includes: anyone who’s married, engaged, lives together or is in a long-term, serious relationship; your wedding party members; and VIP guests who won’t know anyone. Those who don’t need a plus-one are people who are casually dating, coworkers and single guests you’re not especially close to and who’ll know other guests.
4. See if you can agree on drawing the line at children, anyone under 18, second cousins, people you’ve never met and so on.
To be fair, try eliminating groups from both of your sides to see if it cuts things down any. Can you both agree to having an adults-only wedding and be okay with not inviting anyone’s children? Or how about cutting kids who are 18 or younger? First cousins are one thing, but what about second cousins? Friends’ parents? A rule where nobody gets an invitation who hasn’t met you both or you haven’t spoken to in three years? See if you can minimize your list this way.
5. Remember this RSVP statistic when you’re in the midst of freaking out.
This may ease your worries a bit—between 10 and 20 percent of those invited from your guest list will decline for a myriad of reasons, whether they’re busy, the travel is too far, they don’t want to leave their children and so on. If a particular guest’s inclusion is more of a “they’ll be so offended if we don’t invite them but we know they’ll decline anyway” type of deal, and your partner is confident they’ll actually decline, don’t sweat it. You may even be able to draw from your B-list in this instance.
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6. Remember, you’ll all be family when it’s all said and done.
This may not be a silver lining, but it’s definitely something to keep in mind. Lots of couples place a sign that says, “Choose a seat, not a side—we’re all family once the knot is tied!” at their ceremony venue so guests don’t have to sit in the traditional bride’s or groom’s side. This sentiment can also apply to your guest list. If your partner is adamant that their cousin whom you’ve never met should be invited, think toward the future. Will they be at every family birthday party, family reunion and baby shower? Your future childrens’ graduation? If so, it’s worth choosing your battles. The old adage still rings true: “You don’t just marry a person, you marry a family.” If not inviting a few people will cause serious drama, try your best to add them to the list if you know you’ll see a lot of them in the future.
